Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Good and Bad


I know my faults (all to well!) I know I am not perfect; that I can be obstinate, and irritable, self centered, and hard-hearted. I know, all too well, I can be very difficult person. (My sister, M, called me on some of these failing Saturday, and I owned them) I know, I try to be better, I am better—(but I still fail) A saving grace is I don't live in a state of denial. It's not much (giving all my failings) but its a start. Owning my bad behaviors allows me to begin to change them. And I do work hard at changing them.

B, was discharged last Tuesday from the Hospital, only to end up back there Wednesday—with some serious complications. He spend another 6 days in the hospital, before heading to a more intensive after care facility. I have be doing my best to be supportive--(visiting, running errands, and so on). It's exhausting at times. B has all the same faults as me--(amazing how we attract people who are us, people who also have our own worst fault isn't it?) and one more: He still practices denial.

I know I am progressing in being a better person—every year, I find new wonderful people in my life who are, people who are more like the person I want to be, the person I work hard to be. —In short, a better person. I hope at some point, I can be that better person for B--and that he doesn't drive me out of his life, too. He talks openly about his terrible friends who have all abandon him in the past 20 years—but it's never his fault. He just has bad luck with friends....

Hmm, —Every one from his past is gone.... his circle of friend and relatives dwindle each year. (and I sometimes feel on the precipice of abandoning him, too!)Still  B maintains he is blameless—He asserts again and again what a good friend he has always been, and lauds his perfection.  

Being ill, makes things worse. He is angry at his health problems. HE maintains has always eaten healthy foods, and he has always exercised and it's so not fair that he he is ill. All the while he conveniently forgets entirely how he has also ignored medical advise, refused to take medications, and denied diagnosis (of poor circulation) till he nearly lost his leg to an infection! 

I have been with him when health professional are there, and I have heard him argue and disagree with them, and tell them the current state of affairs is so wrong, because he has always been so right!  He speaks of running marathons (something he hasn't done in over 25 years) as if he did them yesterday--and as if this past activity should some how prevented what is happening to him today.  He acts as if the state of his health today is a 180° turn--and one  that happened overnight--instead of being something that has been going on for years.

Truthfully, I have some compassion. He is right now, so seriously ill—it doesn't matter the reason. All that matters is working to being better.  And it is scary to get older, and to feel more alone and vulnerable. While he has had health issues for years—for years there haven't been any noticeable consequences. To have all the worst case scenarios come to pass in a few months is hard to deal with.

I often mentally offer thanks for him in my life—He serves as a wonderful bad example—and constantly reminds me—I DON'T Want to be like that! (and I have been, and I can be like that with out making an effort to be different!) He reminds me to pay attention to my own health—and reminds me taking shortcuts with my health is like skating on thin ice—I can get away with it sometimes-- but it's not a good thing to make a habit of skating on thin ice. Eventually it will crack—and... I don't want that! 

With all the trips I have been making to visit B, My knitting has taken a hit—Yes, I got some done going to Manhattan to visit B in hospital—but coming home? Cold weather, snow and a broken rail made a 45 minute trip into a 2 and half hour ordeal—of waiting, rerouting, (me, that is, being rerouted)—taking trains south (when I want to go east) to transfer (several flights of stairs later) to a train that would head back north –and eventually and east. But that train didn't actually go where I wanted to go.

So there were more transfers, and more going past my destination and then more doubling back. And all of it, standing on jam packed trains.-- Partly because so many people were being rerouted (I was not alone in my misery!) and the partly because the delays move my trip into rush hour. (Oh I could complain forever!) Needless to say, with all the changing trains,and standing like a sardine tightly packed in a can, there was no opportunity to knit! Which only served to make the trip seem longer than it was.

Things are more or less settled for the moment with B—I have a schedule for visiting him, and good hopes that things will go well. He is settled for the moment in a Rehab facility with more services—one designed to deal with people who have  multiple health problems. He is, I think overly optimistic about his recovery time--but that's better than giving up. 

The only problem is, the facility is at  the end of the earth.  Well, maybe not the end of the earth, but  it's in an other borough—and at the western and northern edges of the borough, to boot).  Only about 20 miles away as the crow flies—but the better part of hour away, when –lacking as I do, the crows ability—I am forced to stick to streets and highways. Thankfully, I have his car to use, because the trip would be 3 times as long taking public transportation. (3 trains, a bus, and an 8 block walk!--about a 3 hour trip door to door).  Some of his (few)  relatives have announced, he is too far away to visit-even though they are half the distance away--which is a sad thing. I am not going to visit daily--but I am not going to abandon him either. 

Hopefully, I'll be on track with my knitting, my blog and my life—and work in some sewing (last weeks good intentions where interrupted by unplanned hospital visits), too.

So, when last seen, my lacy mohair cowl was a scant 20 inch—and I had just completed 2 skeins. And I had reported on frogging most of the rows knit with skein 2 –and re-knitting them.

Now I have finished skein 4—and have 37 inches done. Now comes a big decision (which I have been tossing about in my head) Do I work another full skein? Or use the partial skein? I think I am better off with the full skein—even if I don't use all of it. I want a cowl that will comfortable twist and be long enough to be double looped. I want more than 40 inches.. maybe as much as 45 inches.

I'll still have left over skeins of the mohair if I use a full skein. And I haven't decided what to do with them!--Or even --what I could do with them. But I don't want to short change this project.

I have some solid peach wool--Paton Classic wool,--left overs from my Peachy version of the Lady February sweater—I could make some fingerless gloves with mohair trim.. or... Well something!

The days are getting longer, the dark days of winter are falling away—Hope springs eternal—and eternally, spring bring hope of new better days—Days when I am a better person and B is a healthier one.


1 comment:

LInda in the Finger Lakes said...

Helen, I enjoyed this post very much. I completely agree that denial is a bigger failing than many that you mentioned. I guess we all know people like B -- the trick is not to BE one, isn't it!

Linda